The Nu Guide to Intimacy

Intimacy is sometimes immediately linked to sex, but intimacy is also about connection. It includes the quiet moments that make you feel seen, the trust you build in your closest relationships, and the way you relate to your own body as it evolves through life.

According to researcher and intimacy expert Dr. Lori Brotto, sexual difficulties do not always mean you have sexual dysfunction. Sexual difficulties can be the result of inadequate sexual stimulation or lacking education/information on how sexual response is triggered.

Certain periods of one’s life can influence these sexual difficulties such as postpartum, peri menopause, menopause. Other reasons may be partner related , relationship, medical or cultural belief systems. 

Overall, intimacy can sometimes feel disrupted and/or complicated.  

This Nu Guide explores the many factors influencing intimacy during midlife and menopause, and offers practical steps to help you reconnect with yourself and with pleasure.

What is intimacy?

Intimacy isn’t one thing. It includes:

• Emotional intimacy – feeling understood, validated, and connected
• Physical intimacy – touch, closeness, affection, sensuality, and sexual activity
• Self-intimacy – knowing yourself, listening to your needs, and feeling at home in your body
• Relational intimacy – communication, trust, humour, shared experiences, and mutual care

Intimacy can happen with a partner, with yourself, or without any sexual context at all. And, importantly, there is no “normal” version of intimacy, only what feels right and safe for you.

Why can intimacy change during menopause?

Just like libido, intimacy is influenced by a mosaic of factors, including hormonal, physical, emotional, relational, and social. It’s rarely one thing, and almost always a combination.

1. Whole-body hormonal changes

Symptoms such as night sweats, insomnia, mood changes, weight gain, headaches, or fatigue can make the idea of closeness feel overwhelming. When your tank is empty, intimacy can be one of the first things to fall away.

2. Local changes — the GSM umbrella

Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM) describes the changes to the vulva, vagina, and bladder tissues as estrogen falls.
Dryness, reduced blood flow, reduced lubrication, and tissue thinning can change how the body responds to touch, arousal, and sex. This sometimes makes sexual intimacy uncomfortable or painful.

Many women have never been told that these changes are common, treatable, and nothing to feel ashamed about.

3. Relationship dynamics

For couples, differences in sexual desire often matter more than the desire itself. Changes in libido or comfort levels can create feelings of distance, rejection, or pressure, even when both partners want connection.

Long-term relationships also evolve: routines shift, roles change, communication patterns become entrenched, and midlife stressors (teens, finances, career load, ageing parents) can strain closeness.

4. Personal history and identity

Intimacy intersects with many aspects of who we are. Experiences of trauma, cultural norms, gender identity, sexual orientation, body image, and health conditions can shape how someone feels about closeness or sex. It’s essential to acknowledge that intimacy doesn’t look the same for everyone.

5. Stress, fatigue, and the mental load

Midlife is often peak “sandwich generation”: caring for children and ageing parents while navigating careers, homes, relationships, and hormonal change. A brain constantly in planning mode struggles to shift into receiving, relaxing, or feeling.

What can we do about it? Here are 5 ways to reconnect with intimacy

These steps can support intimacy across all forms — emotional, physical, relational, and self-directed.

1. Redefine intimacy for yourself

Ask yourself: What does intimacy look like for me right now?
It may no longer look like it did in your 20s or 30s — and that is completely normal.

Intimacy can be:

• shared laughter

• holding hands

• slow touch

• talking openly

• self-pleasure

• rest and closeness

• or simply feeling comfortable in your own skin
  

  Give yourself permission, time and space to ask yourself what it is you want from intimate moments.

2. Care for your body — especially vulval and vaginal health

If discomfort is part of the picture, addressing the physical side of intimacy can be transformative.

Consider:

• Oil-based moisturisers and lubricants (like Nu Balm for external and penetrative touch)

• Vulval moisturisers/barrier balms (such as Nu Balm and Butter)

• Pelvic floor physiotherapy, especially if you experience tension or difficulty relaxing the muscles

• Low-dose vaginal estrogen, which is safe for most women

• Medical review for symptoms like dryness, recurrent infections, or pain
  

Remember: sex should never be painful, and support is available.

3. Invest in communication and emotional connection

Intimacy thrives when communication is open, kind, and free from blame.

• Share your experiences without diminishing them.

• Invite your partner into the conversation: “Here’s what’s changed for me, here’s what I’m needing.”

• Explore what forms of closeness you both enjoy.

• Consider a sex therapist or relationship counselor if conversations feel hard to start.

Talking about intimacy is a great first step to rediscovering intimacy!

4. Explore pleasure on your own terms

Self-intimacy can be a powerful way to reconnect with sensation, desire, and comfort.

This might include:

• solo touch

• using lubricant simply to experience comfort

• exploring new forms of pleasure

• mindful body practices – try popping on some relaxing atmospheric music

• noticing what feels relaxing, nourishing, or awakening
  

5. Make space for sensuality

Small lifestyle shifts can revive feelings of closeness and presence.

Try:

• slowing down

• reducing the mental load before bed

• creating moments of softness or ritual

• experimenting with non-sexual touch

• prioritising rest

• reconnecting with activities that bring joy or grounding
  

Intimacy flourishes when pressure is removed.

Intimacy is part of your wellbeing

Intimacy is a living, shifting relationship with yourself and those around you. While menopause can bring real changes to how intimacy feels, it also offers an opportunity to redefine pleasure, deepen connection, and build a more compassionate, honest relationship with your body.

Using a lubricant, seeking pelvic health treatment, opening up communication and a little self-discovery… all these can help make intimacy richer, more playful and more powerful than ever before 

Good luck x